You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I supernannyed him into submission
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
