At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
