I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
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