i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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