do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
