Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
