R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
