I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
