Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
