Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
We're too hungover to prance.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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