tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
