just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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