Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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