Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
