I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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