Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
