I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
