Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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