her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
