There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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