I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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