you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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