why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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