After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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