I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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