I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
