I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
