I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
