we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
