my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
