did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
