Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i believe in u and ur pee
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
