Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
