went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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