you would pick up someone in the library
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
The Olympian is in my bed
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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