I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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