Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
