Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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