Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
