God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
