onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
