did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
