Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
