So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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