Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
