Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
i dont even know how to be here
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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