Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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