is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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