I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
