she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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